SEINFELD: Why VTubers Wear Tails

Kramer bursts through the door. “What if the One Ring was a buttplug!?”

“Kramer?” Seinfeld looks up from his computer. He’s working on getting Plat in the acclaimed Steam game, No Mercy. “Who starts a conversation—”

Kramer scuttles across the room. “What if it was a buttplug, Jerry??”

“I don’t know!” Seinfeld tosses up his hands. “What if it was a buttplug?”

“It’s these VTubers!” The chaos-coifed New Yorker looms. “It’s how they all get their power.”

“Kramer—”

“They’re plugged, Jerr. A Devil’s Deal. The views and subscriptions go up and up and up. They’re beloved by millions around the world. But all the while, the plug throbs—”

“It 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙨?”

“—growing stronger with each passing moment, asserting its creeping, malevolent influence.”

“It corrupts them,” Seinfeld says.

Kramer bobble-nods. “That’s right.”

“…through their assholes.”

“That’s why they all wear tails, Jerry. How else would they do it?”

Seinfeld shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Kramer wags his finger. “I’m telling you, Jerr, these companies are straight out of Faust! Fame. Fortune. Cute sing-along videos at a Dodgers game. But the whole time these vtubers are taking it!” He pumps his fist. “Right up the ass!”

“…so like normal employment then.”

Kramer shrugs. “Yeah, pretty much.”