Post-Mortem AI Impact Statement

The prosecution stands. “Your honor, if it pleases the court, we’ll begin by playing an Impact Statement from the deceased.”

The judge, an old woman, nods. “You may proceed.”

The lawyer fiddles with his laptop. As the feed streams, the court monitor lights up. A young black man waves on-screen. “Hey y’all, Jamal Brown here. I’m dead.”

Through the reanimating power of AI, Jamal smacks his lips and shakes his head. “Pssh, crazy, right? One day I’m out just doin’ my thang, and BAM! It’s all over.” He turns to the defendant. “Because of you. I was on my way to Mickey Dee’s. All I wanted was a McFlurry.” His tone turns somber. “But all I got was the McFury after you cut me off at the intersection of 5th and Main, hopped out yo Ford F-350, and unloaded 97 rounds from your AR-15 into my old, beat-up Toyota Corolla on March 19th, 2027 between 2:13PM and 2:16PM Central Time. You even had time to reload. Twice.”

The AI smacks its simulated lips again. “Imagine my surprise. When I woke up that morning, I never dreamed I’d go out like that. Who does? I had a date that night. I just got back from dropping my brother off at practice. I had a life, man.”

The AI sighs. “I know a lot of people are angry at you. And for good reason. But in my life, I always tried to be a good Christian. To act in the spirit, not the flesh. So I forgive you, from beyond the grave. Not because you deserve it, but because it’s what Jesus would do. No cap.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.” The judge mumbles.

“…or at least, that’s what my momma would want me to say.” The AI grins. “But what I really wanna say is—” The AI drops his pants and cups his cartoonishly large genitals. “Check out my big black balls, bitch!”

The judge balks. “What?!”

“This shit’s 3D-generated! I got two grapefruits and a three-foot pipe! What now, son?! Ah-HA!!”

The judge whips her head to the prosecution. “What’s the meaning of this?!”

The lawyer fumbles with his laptop. “I-I’m sorry, your honor! It was submitted by the family—”

“There ain’t no God or heaven! I’m gonna catch you in hell, boy!” The testicles rapidly expand, growing to the size of an antique globe. “You’re gonna be Sisyphus, licking these nuts for all eternity!”

The judge jolts out of her seat. “TURN IT OFF NOW!”

Mortified, the lawyer does a long press on the laptop power button.

The sack expands to the size of Disney’s EPICOT. Then beyond. Perched atop like an ant, AI Jamal belts out: “MY BALLS CONSUME THE WORLD! GET READY TO WAG YO TONGUE FOR ALL ETERNITY, BITCH!”

The monitor goes dead.