Love in the Time of Large Language Models

Perched on a Herman Miller chair, the twenty-something brunette pushes away from the desk and dramatically tosses her head back. “God!”

“Hm?” Her coworker and cubicle-mate, Doug Dunderson, looks up from his monitor. “What’s wrong, Megan?”

She turns to face him. “I’m just so 𝒇𝒓𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅.”

“Oh?” He tilts his head. “By what?”

“Well…” She bites her lip. “It’s a bit embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?”

She rolls closer, lowering her voice to a breathy whisper. “You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

He shakes his head. “Of course not.”

She leans in. “Cause I’d just 𝒅𝒊𝒆 if anyone ever found out.”

Doug blinks. “Your secret’s safe with me, Megan. Besides…” He gestures to the surrounding rows of empty cubicles. “It’s just us. You know how it gets on Fridays.”

“I do,” she says with more than a hint of mischief. Then she leans back. Her demeanor shifts. Her eyes fall.

“…Megan?”

“It’s this new prescription my psychiatrist put me on,” she finally says. “He warned me there might be…” She glances up, locking eyes with him. “Side effects.”

“Side effects?” Doug repeats. “You know you could ask ChatGPT about that. There was a guy on reddit who had ear gout and the AI told him—”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think it would help.”

“You’d be surprised, Megan.” Doug informs her. “AI is the future.”

“There’s only one future I’m thinking about,” she plaintively sighs. “Obsessing over really.”

“That intense, huh?”

She nods sheepishly. “You see, the medicine it—” Her breath hitches. “—it raises my libido.”

“Your libido?”

“Oh, it’s unbearable!” She bursts out. “It’s been a week and all I think about—every hour, every minute, every agonizing second of the day—is sucking hard fat cock.”

“Golly,” Doug says.

She leans in, laying her slender hand on his. “It’s not even 10am and my panties are dish rag wet.”

“Laundry must be tough.”

“It is,” she smirks.

Doug cups his chin in thought. “And I bet you can’t focus at all.”

“It’s true.” She nods. “It takes all my self control not to squirm in my seat. I’m like a rutting pig—an alleycat in heat.”

“I see,” Doug solemnly intones. “That’s a problem.”

A coquettish grin spreads across her lips. “Such a problem.”

Doug folds his arms. “A really big problem.”

“Maybe…” she pouts, batting her eyelashes. “You have a really 𝘽𝙄𝙂 solution for me?”

He nods. “I do.”

She lights up.

Doug whips out his phone. “I’ll ask ChatGPT for a natural anaphrodisiac.”

She blinks."’…you’ll what?"

“You know, something to counteract the libidinal effect.” He flicks and taps the screen. “ChatGPT—”

“Wait!” She lunges, covering the phone with both hands. “I’m, uh, not comfortable taking supplements.”

“Oh?” Doug looks up.

“It’s just, uh, they’re not approved by the FDA, you know? Anything could be in them.”

Doug nods. “That’s true. You can never be too careful.”

“And I think I’d prefer a more…” Her index finger extends, glancing his chest. “Manual solution.”

“Manual solution?”

“That’s right.” She traces the outline of his pecks. “I just feel like, if I could wrap my warm, soft lips around a big hard cock—right now—everything would be okay. You know?”

“Maybe,” Doug says doubtfully. “But if the hypersexuality is a side effect of the drug, you’ll have to suck dick over and over again to quell the insatiable urge. It may never subside.”

“I can live with that,” she assures him. “I just need to find some.”

“Some dick,” Doug clarifies.

“That’s right,” Megan purrs. “I just need to find some dick.” Her finger traces lower, over his stomach, across the top of his belt buckle. “Now where, oh where, would I—”

“ChatGPT!” Doug holds the phone up to his mouth. “Where can my friend Megan find some di—”

Megan backhands the phone. It flops into his lap.

“Hey!”

She scowls, seething. “Does the AI tell you how to put your 𝙙𝙞𝙘𝙠 on in the morning?”

“W-what?” Doug shrinks back, mortified. “I was trying to help!”

“Well you’re failing!”

“I thought you were looking for dick!”

“I am looking for dick, you dickhead!”

“Huh?”

“Right here! In this room!”

Doug furrows his brow. “You want me to ask ChatGPT how to find dick in this room? That’s a little too context specific, don’t you think?”

“Your dick!” She seizes his collar with both hands. “I want to suck your dick! I’m flirting with you, you idiot!”

“…oh.”

“GET IT??”

Doug blinks. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Okay?!” She balks. “I’m trying to drain your balls ’til your eyes roll out of your handsome, thick skull and all I get is ‘okay’??”

“I’m not very good at this,” Doug admits.

“No shit,” she huffs, releasing the collar.

He reaches for the phone. “I’ll just ask ChatGPT how to flirt back—”

“AUGH!”