SEINFELD: The Golden Train
George Constanza throws the door open. “Well!” He steps into Seinfeld’s apartment. “They finally did it!”
Seinfeld looks up from his 80" flatscreen TV. “Who did what?” He’s playing Fleshlight Maintenance Simulator 2 on the PS5.
“The government, Jerry!” Constanza slams the door and marches over. “They put me on the Nazi Eugenics list!”
Seinfeld blinks. “No.”
“Yes!”
“Really?”
“Really!”
“Huh.” Seinfeld tilts his head. “I never took you for a Eugen Fischer fan.”
“I’m not the Nazi, Jerry!” Constanza jabs a finger at himself. “đť‘°’đť’Ž the dysgenic freak!”
“Well we already knew that…”
“It’s RFK, Jerry.” Constanza throws up his hands. “He’s putting all the autists on a list!”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“But there’s so many,” Seinfeld marvels. “That’s half the internet.”
“Just ‘cause I got a hint of the ol’ Sperg in me, they’re gonna send Hans Gruber to hunt me down.”
“Hans Landa,” Jerry corrects.
“Eh?”
“Hans Landa is the Jew Hunter. Hans Gruber is from Die Hard.”
“They’re all Germans, Jerry.”
“Right but—”
“Let’s not split hairs.”
“Well—”
“They’re gonna make me wear the Golden Train.”
“The Golden Train?”
“Just like the Yellow Star in the Warsaw ghettos!” Constanza slaps his chest. “Right here!”
Seinfeld turns his head. “Oh don’t be preposterous.”
“It’s true Jerry!”
Seinfeld waves his hand. “Obviously they’ll just make you download an app.”
“An app?”
“Sure. Some kind of convenient government app with a QR code for the jackboots to scan.”
“Huh.” Constanza pauses. “You think so?”
“Yeah.” Seinfeld shrugs. “Or like a little digital card to put in your Apple wallet. With a little train graphic on it.”
Constanza shakes his head. “That’s just cheap.”
“Cheap?” Seinfeld scoffs. “At least you don’t have to coordinate your Costco button ups and Amazon Essential chinos around a gold train sticker.”
Constanza levels his gaze. “I could do it, Jerry.”
“Uh huh.”
“I’ve got a lot of clothes that go great with gold.”
“Right. I’ll call the Menswear Guy.”
“I’m a proud man, Jerry.”
Seinfeld leans back. “You are a proud man.”
“If you’re gonna put me on the List, at least give me the dignity of the Golden Train. Loud and proud, for all the world to see!”
“Hear, hear,” Seinfeld deadpans.
“Don’t saddle my phone with another jank ad-ridden vibe-coded webview app!”
Seinfeld crosses his arms. “Well at least you’ve found some grace and dignity in the face of this fascist oppression.”
“Yeah,” Constanza says. “But just wait ’til Kramer hears about this.”
“You’re right.” Seinfeld blinks. “Oh he’s gonna freak for sure.”
Kramer bursts in wearing a gold lamĂ© train conductor’s uniform. “Alright boys, who’s on the list?!”