RESIDENT EVIL: No Bullets, No Problem
In a sprawling subterranean science complex hidden under an abandoned TJ Maxx just outside of a Tallahassee exurb, BSAA agent Leon Kennedy steps to the edge of a cliff and peers down into the yawning pitch-black abyss.
“I guess what they say is true,” Leon quips to himself. “Floridian sinkholes are something else.”
“Mr. Kennedy!” A voice cuts through the clammy cave air. “The only one about to sink here…is YOU!”
Leon whirls, gun drawn. “Who’s there?”
Ten feet away, a man stands in green coveralls with a microfiber mop in hand. “Gus Mullins.” He twirls the mop. “Head Janitor of this Umbrella facility.”
“Head Janitor?”
“Every morning I mop up shit in the Licker containment pens.” He points the custodial polearm at Leon. “Now it’s time to lick up your shit, Mophead!”
The two men stare each other down.
Leon narrows his eyes. “…I’m gonna chalk that one up to first-time jitters.”
The Janitor nods. “Please do.”
“Okay.” Leon cocks the hammer and aims his gun. “Gus Mullins, you’re under arrest for threatening an officer of the BSAA. You have the right to remain silent.”
“No. I have the right…” The Janitor raises his arms to the sky. “To ascend to the next echelon of human evolution!”
Leon scowls. “Don’t.”
“To embrace ππ£π‘ππ’ππ©ππ ππ€π¬ππ§!”
“Come on, man.”
With a hideous inhuman howl, flesh rips and bones snap as the Head Janitor’s body erupts into a frenzied, writhing mass of tendrils covered in eyes that range from tiny slits to swollen orbs.
“Now, Mr. Kennedy,” the Janitor-turned-Aberration rasps. “It’s time to take out the trash!”
Leon lowers his gun. “Nah, I give up.”
The sea of eyes blink in unison. “What?”
“I give up.”
“Whaddya mean you give up?!”
“You’re too powerful to defeat.” The BSAA agent shrugs. “And I’m out of bullets anyway.”
“You can’t give up!” The Aberration splutters. “I just transformed!”
“Yeah sorry about that.”
“Ain’t you got any spare ammo or clips or something?”
“Nope. I shot every zombie on the way in.”
“What?”
Leon mimics taking a shot. “Just straight-up mag dumping in every hallway.”
“You idiot!” The Aberration tosses his tendrils up in frustration. “This is a survival scenario. You’re supposed to conserve ammo!”
“Yeah, it’s my B, dawg,” Leon says. “Honestly, though, I feel worse for you.”
“You shouldn’t.” The Aberration looms, tendrils lashing the air. “I’m going to tear you lπ’mπ πrπ¨m lπ’mπ.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll die horribly for sure,” Leon concedes. “But you’ve got to go on looking like π©πππ©.”
The Aberration halts. “Like what?”
“You know.” Leon gestures. “As a squamous, malformed, mutagenic nightmare. Monday through Sunday. 24/7/365. For the rest of your life.”
The sea of eyes flick. “I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Really?” Leon tilts his head. “You weren’t planning to win?”
“No, I justβthey always talk about how cool transformation is in the training video.”
Leon cocks a brow. “There’s a training video?”
“Oh yeah, it’s the second video they show new hires in the Umbrella employee onboarding process.”
“Get out of here.”
“Yeah, man. Video 1 is Welcome to Your First Day at Umbrella. Video 2 is Transformation and You: Thriving In the Workplace Through Grotesque Mutations That Tread in God’s Domain and Profane the Natural Order.”
“That’s fucked.”
“They even said our 401k would vest early when we transformed…”
Leon leans in. “Gus, buddy. Pal.”
“Eh?”
“Do you know any transformed employees who lived long enough to collect that 401k?”
“Well…no.” The Aberration admits. “Most people who transform are immediately killed by elite government agents…”
Leon nods. “Mhm.”
“…Or random police officers…”
“Yep.”
“Or spunky college girls with can-do attitudes.”
“They are spunky. And spunkable.”
“Oh! I did know a guy in Maintenance who lived for five months as a ball of sentient slugs.”
“And how did that turn out?” Leon asks.
“Eventually he melted into a bubbling puddle of flesh.”
“Ah.”
“They said it was rapid biological deterioration brought on by cellular instability.”
Leon shakes his head. “Classic umbrella.”
“Oh, I fucked up!” The Aberration cries as the horror of it all dawns. “I-I’ll never be human again! I can’t let my mother see me like this! My dog won’t even let me in the apartment!”
“Hey man, I know this is hard.” Leon raises his palms. “But I don’t want you to do anything crazy.”
“Anything crazy?! I’ve already done something crazy!”
“Okay but.” Leon gestures to the cliff. “There’s a yawning sinkhole abyss right there, and I’d πππ©π to see you jump in.”
“I should jump in!” The Aberration despairs. “No woman will ever swipe right on me again!”
“Hey man, don’t talk like that. Some girls are into tendrils.”
“…r-really?” The Aberration mumbles hopefully.
“Yeah,” Leon says. “Course, they’re probably insane BPD e-girls with huge OnlyFans followings, but you’d be a great prop in a subscriber-only video.”
“I don’t want to live!” The Aberration scrambles for the cliff and leaps.
Leon watches as the former janitor disappears into the void. He tilts his ear, listening for the impact. It never comes.
Leon shakes his head. “Floridian Sinkholes.”
His sat-linked tactical earpiece trills.
“Y’ello, this is Leon.”
His Field Handler, Ingrid Hunnigan, is on the other side. “Leon! I heard the whole thing!”
“Crazy right?”
“I can’t believe you survived! And with no ammo!”
“Nah, I lied.”
“Huh?”
“I got three mags and a couple grenades.”
“Then why did youβ”
“He seemed like a chump.”
“A chump?”
“Y’know, the kind of guy who’s easily misled.”
“Jesus, Leon. Are you telling me you intentionally talked him intoβ”
“Why waste bullets when words suffice?”
“You’re a monster!”
“Ah come on, Hunnigan. This is a survival scenario.”